He was married for 35 years.

He was the stable one. The good provider. The guy who went to work, paid the bills, and came home to his family. By most measures, he was a good husband.

Then his wife left him for another man—a wealthy executive she met through her work. They relocated to Europe together. She began a new life across the Atlantic while he was left in Michigan, bewildered and heartbroken.

But here’s where the story gets interesting: She felt guilty.

Guilty enough to offer him a substantial spousal support award and nearly everything else—approximately 75% of the marital estate. She knew she’d wronged him. The numbers were there. The law supported his claim. An attorney would have been thrilled to settle on these terms.

But he said no.

Instead of accepting what was being offered, he insisted on continuing to litigate. He wanted to “drag her into mediation.” He wanted to fight. He wanted her to hurt the way he was hurting. His attorney warned him repeatedly that emotion was clouding his judgment. That the offer on the table was exceptionally generous. That accepting it made financial sense.

He didn’t listen.

By the time mediation concluded, he’d rejected the settlement and litigated the case to its end. The court ordered equitable division of assets—and nothing more. No spousal support.

He’d negotiated himself out of hundreds of thousands of dollars because he couldn’t separate his hurt from his strategy.

And he’s not alone.

In our firm’s 12+ years of practice handling family law throughout Southeast Michigan, we’ve seen this pattern repeatedly: male clients who qualify for spousal support don’t ask for it. Or they ask and then sabotage their own cases by letting emotion override strategy.

They’re not bad people. In fact, they’re often the opposite—conscientious, responsible men who’ve built lives and businesses and relationships with care. But somewhere along the way, they internalized a message: real men don’t take support from women. And that message, however unspoken, costs them dearly.

It’s time to have an honest conversation about why good men finish last in divorce—and what you can do about it.

The Legal Reality: Michigan Law Is Gender-Neutral

Michigan law is crystal clear: Either spouse can receive spousal support based on financial need and the other spouse’s ability to pay. Under MCL 552.23, courts have broad discretion to award alimony to either party. Gender doesn’t matter. Marital contribution doesn’t matter. What matters is the math: Can one spouse maintain a reasonable standard of living after divorce? Can the other spouse help?

Michigan courts evaluate spousal support using factors established through decades of case law—factors that apply identically regardless of whether the requesting spouse is male or female. The law doesn’t care about traditional gender roles. It cares about economic reality.

Yet despite this clear legal framework, men request spousal support far less frequently than women—even when the facts support it.

Why?

The Unspoken Rules: Why Men Don’t Ask

The “Provider” Identity

For many men, identity is wrapped up in being the provider. The earner. The one who takes care of others. In a long marriage, this identity becomes deeply ingrained. A man doesn’t just have a job—he is his job. He doesn’t just earn money—he’s the one who provides it.

So when a marriage ends and the roles reverse—when the other spouse is the higher earner or more financially stable—something inside him resists asking for support. How can I ask her to support me? I’m supposed to be the provider. It feels like an admission of failure. A violation of who he thinks he should be.

But this identity, however comforting, is a fiction. It’s a story he’s telling himself about what manhood means—and it’s costing him money.

The Shame Component

Divorce is humiliating. Someone you trusted left you. Someone you built a life with chose someone else. For many men, the immediate response is shame: What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I enough? What does this say about me as a husband, as a man?

In that state of mind, asking for support feels like compounding the humiliation. If I ask her to support me, I’m admitting I can’t stand on my own. I’m admitting I failed.

So he doesn’t ask. He’d rather struggle financially than acknowledge vulnerability.

The “Fairness” Illusion

Some men resist spousal support because they believe it’s somehow unfair to their ex-spouse. She’ll have to pay me after leaving me? That doesn’t seem right. Even in the face of clear legal entitlement and demonstrated need, they talk themselves out of it because accepting feels unjust.

This is compassion misplaced. If the law entitles you to support and you need it, accepting it isn’t punishment—it’s justice. Your ex-spouse’s guilt or your discomfort about accepting support doesn’t override the law.

The “I’ll Be Fine” Rationalization

Many men, when facing divorce, convince themselves they’ll be fine without support. I’ll get back on my feet. I don’t need her money. I’ll figure it out. This is resilience—until it isn’t. Until he’s 55 years old, his earning capacity has diminished, and he realizes he genuinely can’t maintain the standard of living he had during the marriage.

But it’s too late. He didn’t ask when he had the chance.

Fear of Being Seen as Weak

This is the cultural masculinity piece. Men are socialized to be strong, independent, self-sufficient. Asking for support—even financial support you’re legally entitled to—feels weak. It feels like admitting he can’t handle his own life. And that fear runs so deep that many men would rather face genuine financial hardship than be seen as needy or dependent.

But here’s the thing: Fighting for your legitimate financial interests isn’t weakness. It’s survival. It’s intelligence. It’s recognizing reality and acting on it—which is about as masculine as anything gets.

The Case for Spousal Support (Especially for Men)

Let’s be practical. If you’re a man in Michigan considering divorce—or in the middle of one—here’s what you need to know:

You Might Qualify, and You Might Not Know It

Michigan courts award spousal support based on factors including:

• Length of marriage. The longer you’ve been married, the stronger your claim to support.
• Your earning capacity and income. If your spouse earns significantly more, that’s a major factor favoring support.
• Your contributions to the marriage. Did you provide emotional support while she built her career? Did you relocate for her job? Did you manage the household while she worked? These count.
• Age and health. If you’re older or have health issues limiting employment, that strengthens your case.
• Standard of living during marriage. Courts try to help both spouses maintain a comparable lifestyle post-divorce—at least temporarily.
• Property division. If she gets most of the marital assets, you may get more support.

If you’ve been married for 15+ years, you’re over 50, or your spouse significantly out-earned you during the marriage, you likely have a case for support. But you won’t know unless you ask.

You Deserve Support Without Shame

Here’s what we tell our male clients: Accepting spousal support isn’t an admission of failure. It’s an acknowledgment of economic reality.

In a long marriage, both spouses make contributions—financial and non-financial. If one spouse out-earned the other, they benefited from that disparity during the marriage. After divorce, spousal support is simply a mechanism for recognizing those contributions and helping maintain stability.

If you were the homemaker, the parent, the emotional support system—while your spouse built their career and earning capacity—you have a claim to support. And taking it doesn’t make you weak. It makes you smart.

The Money Is Real

This is where it gets concrete. In a 25-year marriage with a significant income disparity, spousal support can be substantial—potentially six figures over a period of 5-10 years. That’s real money. That’s the difference between retiring at 62 or working until 70. That’s the difference between maintaining your home or downsizing. That’s the difference between financial stability and constant stress.

In the case we opened with, that man walked away from approximately $300,000+ in spousal support because he couldn’t separate his hurt from his strategy. That’s not noble. That’s financially catastrophic.

Real Examples: How This Plays Out

Example 1: The Stay-at-Home Dad

After 20 years of marriage, he’d spent 15 years as the primary caregiver. He managed the household, raised the children, and supported his wife’s career advancement. She became a corporate executive earning $400,000/year. He hadn’t worked outside the home since their first child was born.

When they divorced, he was entitled to rehabilitative support—and he got it. The court recognized his contributions to her career and awarded him 7 years of support to rebuild his earning capacity.

Why this matters: Non-financial contributions count. If you sacrificed your career to support the marriage, the law recognizes that sacrifice.

Example 2: The Business Owner

He built a successful business during the marriage, eventually generating $250,000+/year in revenue. She earned $40,000/year as a teacher. At that point, she left him for someone else.

When they divorced, he had substantial earning capacity and income; she didn’t. But here’s the key: He’d built his business during the marriage, and she’d supported him emotionally and financially while he did. The court recognized this—she’d contributed to his earning capacity by supporting him during the lean years. She received 5 years of rehabilitative support.

Why this matters for men: If a woman supported your career during the marriage, and you’re now the high earner, you’ll likely pay support. But understand—she contributed to your success. If the situation were reversed, would you expect support? You probably would.

Example 3: The Wronged Spouse (The One We Opened With)

He deserved support. The law supported it. She was willing to offer it. He rejected it because his pride couldn’t handle accepting money from the woman who left him.

Now he’s 60, his earning capacity is limited, he has minimal assets, and he’s struggling to maintain financial stability. Meanwhile, she’s thriving in Europe.

He had the chance to fight for his interests and didn’t.

Negotiating Spousal Support: Strategy for Men

If you’re a man who qualifies for spousal support, here’s how to approach it strategically:

Separate Your Emotions from Your Strategy

This is the hardest part. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You feel betrayed. Your ex-spouse is the villain in your story. And you want her to hurt too.

But divorce isn’t about punishment. It’s about untangling two lives. If you’re entitled to support, taking it isn’t revenge—it’s survival.

Ask yourself: Would I give up $50,000 to make my ex uncomfortable? $100,000? $300,000? If the answer is no, then you need to start fighting for your interests instead of fighting against your ex’s interests. Those are two different battles.

Document Your Contributions

If you’ve been a homemaker, a parent, an emotional support system, or you’ve sacrificed your career—document it. Get specific:

• How much childcare did you provide?
• Did you relocate for her job?
• Did you manage household finances?
• Did you support her education or career development?
• What would it cost to hire someone to do what you did?

Courts recognize non-financial contributions. But you have to articulate them clearly.

Present a Budget

Don’t just say, “I need support.” Show the court: Here’s my current housing cost. Here’s my healthcare. Here’s what I realistically need to maintain a comparable standard of living to what I had during the marriage.

A detailed, honest budget is powerful. It shows you’re thinking practically, not emotionally.

Consider the Tax Implications

For divorces finalized after December 31, 2018, alimony is no longer tax-deductible for the payer or taxable to the recipient. This changes the math. Work with your attorney and a CPA to understand what support actually costs your ex and what you actually receive—because they’re not the same anymore.

Don’t Sabotage Your Own Settlement

If your ex offers you a settlement that includes spousal support—especially a generous one—seriously consider accepting it. Don’t let your need to litigate, to “make her pay,” or to “have your day in court” override financial logic.

A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. A settlement now is worth more than the risk of litigation and potential loss.

Defending Against Spousal Support (If You’re the Paying Spouse)

If you’re a man expecting to pay spousal support, understanding your defenses matters too.

Common arguments include:

• Your ex-spouse’s earning capacity. If she can work but chooses not to, or if she’s intentionally underemployed, courts may impute income and limit her support.

• Duration of marriage. Shorter marriages usually mean shorter (or no) support.

• Property division. If she received substantial assets in the divorce, that may reduce need for ongoing support.

• Cohabitation. If she’s living with a new partner who’s contributing financially, that may justify a reduction in support.

• Your own changed circumstances. Job loss, disability, or reasonable retirement can justify modification of a support obligation under MCL 552.28.

• The key: Just as you need to present a strategy if you’re requesting support, you need to present a defense if you’re opposing it. Don’t assume the judge will do the work for you.

Frequently Asked Questions About Spousal Support for Men

Can men receive spousal support in Michigan?

Yes. Michigan law is completely gender-neutral regarding spousal support. Under MCL 552.23, courts award alimony based on financial need and ability to pay—not gender. Men who qualify should pursue it just as women do.

What factors help a man’s spousal support case?

Long marriage duration, significant income disparity favoring your spouse, documented non-financial contributions (childcare, household management, career support), age or health limitations affecting employability, and a demonstrated need to maintain the marital standard of living.

How much spousal support could I receive?

Michigan has no formula—amounts depend on the specific circumstances. In long marriages with significant income disparities, support can reach six figures over the award period. The duration typically relates to marriage length and the time needed to become self-supporting.

Will asking for spousal support make me look bad in court?

No. Courts evaluate spousal support requests based on legal factors, not social perceptions. Judges see men request support regularly. What matters is whether your case meets the legal criteria—not whether asking feels uncomfortable.

What if my ex offered support but I already turned it down?

Settlement offers can sometimes be revisited before the divorce is finalized. If you rejected an offer emotionally and now regret it, talk to your attorney immediately about whether reopening negotiations is possible. The sooner you act, the better your options.

Can I request spousal support if I was unfaithful?

Michigan is a no-fault divorce state. While fault can sometimes influence support decisions, it doesn’t automatically disqualify you. Courts focus primarily on financial factors. If you have a legitimate need and your spouse has ability to pay, your claim may still be valid.

The Bigger Picture: Why This Matters

This blog is fundamentally about something larger than money. It’s about men—good men, responsible men, conscientious men—recognizing that protecting your own interests isn’t selfish. It’s necessary.

For generations, men have been socialized to put others first, to provide, to sacrifice their own needs for the family. Those aren’t bad values. But in divorce, taken to extremes, they become self-sabotage.

If you’re entitled to spousal support, claiming it doesn’t make you weak or selfish. It makes you realistic.

Your ex-spouse has a life to rebuild. So do you. If the law provides a tool to help you do that while recognizing your contributions to the marriage, using that tool is an act of self-care, not selfishness.

Take Action: Stop Leaving Money on the Table

If you’re a man facing divorce in Michigan, here’s the bottom line: Don’t assume you don’t qualify for spousal support. And don’t let shame or pride keep you from asking.

At Boroja, Bernier & Associates, we’ve represented hundreds of clients in spousal support negotiations. We’ve seen men leave hundreds of thousands of dollars on the table because they couldn’t separate emotion from strategy. We’ve also seen men successfully claim support they deserved and rebuild their lives on stable financial ground.

The question is: Which man are you going to be?

If you’re:

• Facing divorce after a long marriage
• Over 50 with limited earning capacity
• A former homemaker or career-supporter
• Earning significantly less than your spouse
• Concerned about maintaining your standard of living post-divorce

You might qualify for spousal support. Call us. We’ll give you an honest assessment of your case and help you decide whether to pursue it.

If you’re the spouse expected to pay support, we’ll help you understand your obligations and develop a realistic strategy.

Either way, don’t leave money on the table. Don’t let emotion override strategy. And don’t tell yourself you’re being noble by struggling when the law provides a path to stability.

Call (586) 991-7611 to schedule a confidential consultation with the Michigan family law attorneys at Boroja, Bernier & Associates.

With our main office in Shelby Township and satellite offices in Troy, Ann Arbor, and Lansing, we serve Macomb County, Oakland County, Wayne County, and throughout Southeast Michigan.

“Your financial future matters. Let’s protect it.”